Meet the NPCs of New Joysey: Musclehead, Biceps Bigger Than Your Future
Two weeks ago, we introduced you to the Fortune Teller, who probably foresaw you showing up and then cursed your Wi-Fi for good measure. Last week, our Former Showgirl took the stage, feathers, glitter, and cigarette smoke in tow.
This week, the spotlight’s less on sequins and more on spray tans. Say hello to Musclehead: a one-man protein shake with the IQ of a wet dumbbell and enough bro energy to power the entire boardwalk’s neon lights.
💪 Meet Musclehead
Spray tan? Check. Gold chain? Check. Tank top two sizes too small? Double check. Our third New Joysey cast member doesn’t just walk onto the boardwalk, he stomps in like every stranger is a potential opponent in an arm wrestling match.
Built like a tank, powered by bad bets and protein powder.
The Vibe Check
Occupation (on paper): Amateur bodybuilder, professional tanner.
Occupation (in reality): Human protein shake with a gambling problem.
Off the Clock: Loud, greasy, and somehow always flexing—yes, even while ordering funnel cake. Especially while ordering funnel cake.
Catchphrases We Absolutely Did Not Make Up
“Wassup brah you know I got that broke down car brah I got places to go brah.”
“Wassup brah, I gotta get to the bodybuilding championships brah [unintelligible] tiny swimsuit brah.”
“Can you hurry this up games on in like 15 and ya boy got a parlay to win yaknowhaddimsayin.”
“Bro, I heard that shrimp are like ocean bugs bro.”
Reality Show Energy
Imagine if you distilled spray tan, Axe body spray, and three gallons of Monster Energy into one person and gave him a gym membership he will not shut up about. That’s Musclehead. He speaks in one long, unpunctuated sentence, communicates largely through [bro noises], and thinks mozzarella sticks are a food group.
Final Thoughts
Musclehead may not have the brains of the Fortune Teller or the battle scars of the Former Showgirl, but he does have biceps the size of beach balls and the confidence of a man who believes he invented push-ups. Just don’t ask him a question that requires more than two brain cells to answer. Unless you want thirty minutes of incoherent “yaknowhaddimsayin.”
That’s three down in the cast of New Joysey misfits. Next week, we’re heading back to the boardwalk to meet someone who thinks their fryer oil is worth bottling. It… gets a little messy…
Check out New Joysey in Dimensional Double Shift today for $4.99!