Meet the NPCs of New Joysey: Union Man, Powered by Grease and Grit
Earlier this month, we kicked off our Joysey Celebration by featuring the baddies of this dimension. Naturally, we started with the Fortune Teller, whose crystal ball was about as reliable as a parking meter in the rain. Two weeks ago, the Former Showgirl shuffled back into the spotlight, glitter and cigarette smoke in equal measure. Last week, Musclehead stormed in, flexing, grunting, and somehow turning a sentence into a 45-second run-on.
This week, we’re shining the light on the guy who actually built the boardwalk that all these characters strut across. He’s tough, he’s gritty, and he’s got more gravel in his throat than under the roller coaster he definitely recommends you don’t ride. Meet Union Man.
🧑🔧Meet Union Man
Every boardwalk’s got a foundation. In New Joysey, that foundation is sticky with taffy, covered in glitter, and probably not up to code. But according to Union Man, it’s solid because he built it with his own two hands.
Hard hat, soft heart, questionable rollercoaster safety record.
The Vibe Check
Occupation (on paper): Handyman, builder, local legend.
Occupation (in reality): Walking union hall with a glass jaw and a heart of gold.
Off the Clock: Covered in grease, smelling faintly of gasoline, and ready to sit on any available folding chair.
Catchphrases We Absolutely Did Not Make Up
“Fill 'er up with gasoline and whatnot, I gotta rest dese legses.”
“Me and my car's both exhausteds. You fix, I sits.”
“My fadder was a boxer. My mudder was also a boxer. But me, I gots a glass jaw, so I builds instead.”
“See that rollercoaster over dere? I builts that thing. I recommends you do NOT ride it.”
“I likes my food how I likes my jobs. All da fixin's. Ha!”
Reality Show Energy
He’s got the voice of a gravel truck, the posture of a man who has lifted too many 2x4s, and the soul of a true New Joysey working man. If the Fortune Teller is shady, the Showgirl is bitter, and Musclehead is loud, Union Man is the glue keeping this chaotic cast together. Probably because he literally glued half the boardwalk down himself. Details, Shmetails, amirite?
Final Thoughts
Union Man might not shine like sequins or flex like a protein-powdered bicep, but he is New Joysey through and through. He built this place, he’ll complain about it, and he’ll still buy you a sausage sandwich if you stick around long enough.
That’s four cast members revealed, friends and fellow co-workers! Next week we shall close out the New Joysey lineup with someone who doesn’t lift hammers or dumbbells, she lifts entire families. And trust us, you don’t wanna be late to dinner with her.
Check out New Joysey in Dimensional Double Shift today for $4.99!