Meet the NPCs of New Joysey: Former Showgirl, Rhinestones and Rigatoni

Last week we introduced you to the Fortune Teller, who couldn’t predict tomorrow’s weather with three weather apps open, but still managed to sass you into believing she might.

This week, we’re keeping the spotlight on the boardwalk and dimming it down just a little for someone who used to shine under it every single night.

💄 Meet the Former Showgirl

She had the feathers, she had the sequins, she had the spotlight. Now all she’s got is a job running a toll booth off Exit 12, a pack of menthols, and a healthy disdain for anyone who still thinks the entertainment industry has a conscience.

Once the spotlight’s darling, now she spotlights the best coupon deals this side of the shore.

The Vibe Check

• Occupation (on paper): Former headliner of the Boardwalk’s Nightly Vaudeville Revue.

• Occupation (in reality): Glitter slinger, professional reminiscer, part-time philosopher on the cruel nature of showbiz.

• Off the Clock: Friendly enough, but everything she says comes dipped in sarcasm and chain-smoke. Think “retired diva meets corner deli regular.”

Catchphrases We Absolutely Did Not Make Up

• “There’s no business like show business. But at my age, there’s no show, and there’s no business.”

• “I used to be a VIP. Now I’m just a Very Irritable Pensioner.”

• “Men used to cross the street to talk to me. Now they cross the street to get away.”

• “I used to be a star, a leading lady, a big cheese. Now the only big cheese I get is when mozzarella’s on sale.”

Reality Show Energy

Picture Natasha Lyonne after a three-day casino bender, crossed with your aunt who still wears her boa to ShopRite because “you never know who you’ll run into.” She’s bitter but not angry, friendly but exhausted, and still sprinkles a little glitter on life… even if most of it falls in the gutter.

Final Thoughts

The Former Showgirl knows her best days are behind her, but she’s not bitter at you for asking; she’s bitter at the world for making her right. If you catch her on a good night, she’ll tell you all about her glory days. If you catch her on a bad one, well… she’ll still tell you. Just louder.

That’s two down in our cast of New Joysey icons. Next week, we’ll be introducing someone who thinks running a boardwalk food stand makes them the mayor of the Turnpike.

Check out New Joysey in Dimensional Double Shift today for $4.99!