Coworkers Increasingly Unsure Whether Fungal Growth Is Flirting Or Recruiting
There are certain things in life you should never do in Sporelando:
Do not drink glowing puddle water.
Do not ask where the meat comes from.
Do not accept “free” medical treatment from a van that is visibly breathing.
And above all else, if you hear whispering coming from the walls, the trees, the floorboards, or directly behind your own thoughts, do not acknowledge it. Unless you’re into that. We’re not here to judge.
Welcome to another installment of Meet the NPCs, where Conglomni Corp proudly introduces the individuals, entities, and biologically questionable residents currently enriching the Sporelando workforce ecosystem. Today, we turn our attention toward Fungal Growth, the many-minded mystic connected to the mycorrhizal network and possibly every damp surface within a 40-mile radius. That also just happens to be a goth baddie sent from the swamp heavens whom we love.
They have already sensed you reading this, by the way. Y’know, in case you were wondering…
Anyhoo…
Who Is Fungal Growth?
Fungal Growth is technically classified as a single denizen under Conglomni labor systems, largely because payroll software began screaming when asked to process them otherwise.
At first glance, they appear calm, elegant, and strangely ethereal. The sort of Sporelando resident who looks like they would hand you herbal tea moments before predicting your inevitable spiritual collapse.
“We appreciate your efforts (your efforts). You should join us (join us, join us).”
Every sentence arrives layered in whispers and echoes, as though multiple unseen versions of them are speaking just a fraction of a second apart. This is because they are not referring to themselves metaphorically when they say “we.”
They are genuinely many, which is a little weird and we try not to think about it too much.
Conglomni scientists originally attempted to determine where Fungal Growth begins and ends physically, spiritually, and legally. The project was discontinued after three researchers wandered peacefully into the swamp and returned two weeks later insisting they had become “emotionally porous.”
A Day in the Life
Fungal Growth spends most shifts drifting silently through Sporelando with the slow confidence of something that has existed far longer than the concept of taxes.
Their hobbies include:
standing motionless in areas with poor lighting
offering emotionally devastating advice unprompted
collecting spores “for the chorus”
referring to eggs with alarming reverence
expanding the network
Coworkers report that conversations with Fungal Growth are strangely comforting right up until they say something deeply upsetting in the gentlest possible tone.
Examples include:
“We are all (we are all) part of the same vast family (vast family).”
“You look tired (tired). The roots notice these things (notice these things).”
“Have you ever tried being lots of people (people) at once? It’s so fun (so fun).”
HR has requested that our employees stop engaging, especially with that last question. It’s rush hour, have some respect.
Community Impact
Within Sporelando, Fungal Growth has developed a devoted following among:
Goth employees
Swamp mystics
People who own seven candles minimum
Workers who describe moss as “cozy”
Anyone who has ever dramatically stared out a rainy window while contemplating transformation
They have also become an accidental wellness icon after several workers reported feeling “seen on a molecular level” following brief interactions.
One employee described the experience as:
“Like therapy, but if therapy was conducted by an ancient forest trying to absorb me lovingly.”
Conglomni would like to clarify that joining the customer’s network remains a personal choice and is not currently mandated by any omnidimensional authority.
Interview Highlights
When asked what they enjoy most about Sporelando, Fungal Growth responded:
“We used to be few (few) but now we are many (many). That means we get many hungry, too (hungry, too).”
When asked to clarify whether this statement was threatening, they stared silently at a nearby wall for approximately four minutes before replying:
“We appreciate your concern (your concern).”
Investigators later discovered the wall had grown mushrooms.
Final Thoughts
There are NPCs in Sporelando who want your attention and there are NPCs who want your respect. Fungal Growth simply wants your participation in an endless interconnected fungal consciousness spanning the swamp floor beneath all known reality. Just your typical Tuesday.
And let’s be honest, eh? Compared to some Sporelando denizens, that’s still one of the healthier workplace interactions to be found in Sporelando.